Guest author – Lance.
What am I?
Who am I?
Why am I?
These are questions that every person, at some stage, struggles with in life. But what if there was an answer inside, in a place we never thought to look?
What if part of that answer is in the world of kink?
Let’s start with the question of What. What am I? Maybe you’re struggling to figure out exactly what your proclivities align to, or where you might fit in the world of kink. Maybe you wish that there was a test that you could take that could answer these questions (or at least some of them).
Luckily the world of kink has such a test.
It’s free, it’s anonymous and gives everyone a starting point. Now, it won’t give the all the answers but what it does do it show you where you are at, what you are, at the most basic levels, at the very beginning of your journey.
Some hints and tips:
- You can choose to either complete a ‘short and simple’ test, which promises reasonable accuracy and is aimed at those who are only mildly interested in kink, or a longer test with more questions and maximum accuracy – I highly recommend taking the time for the longer version (trust me, it isn’t onerous and the value of figuring out what you might be into and where you stand can’t be overstated.
- You also have the option to select the ‘scope’ of the test… choosing whether you are willing to answer ‘all questions’ or whether you would prefer to skip any questions aimed at either dominants or submissives. Again, I implore you to select ‘show all questions’ – at least for your first time answering the test. Don’t go into the test with a pre-existing assumption of where you think you fit, or what you think you might be… the test is there to provide you with an unbiased account of your kink interest, and they may surprise you. You run the risk of adulterating the results if you are over-selective or pre-suppose what you are.
- Take the time to go through each item, understand what each item means, think of how each question made you feel and what could have led to the list you have.
- Take a screenshot or save your list so you can compare to it further into your journey.
- Check the info tab of the test to understand what the items mean.
So you’ve completed the test.
You now have a starting point for the What… but the biggest question is the Who?
Just because your test result shows a dominant or submissive rating towards the top of your list doesn’t mean you’re a Dom, Sub or Switch (yes, I expect you’ve looked that one up if it applies to you). These are who you can be in time, with experience, with exploration, with discovery.
For any person or couple trying to explore kink, education is the core factor to exploring desire and limits. Understanding one’s desires, learning possibilities, and communicating… all lead the experience that is needed to grow into the Who that we are in the kink world.
It might be listening to audiobooks, engaging with local fetish/kink communities, or opening up to a friend you know is involved in kink. Each of these possibilities grows those experiences, grows your understanding, and helps you find a place of fulfilment.
Perhaps the most important think to understand before moving further into your kink / BDSM journey is that there are 3 key rules that must be followed.
- Safe
- Sane
- Consensual
Though I want to add in one more.
- Sober.
We’ll talk about these in more depth as this series continues… but for now we need to think about the Why am I?
Todays society, while somewhat more open to the idea of sexuality is still very sheltered in terms of desire and understanding of why some have the desires we do. BDSM and the kink world still hides in the shadows to a certain extent with only a skewed, misguided representation reaching the mainstream. Unfortunately it’s this representation that leads so many to think negatively of kink.
The truth of the matter is anyone who has taken the time to get to know themselves, their desires and, in turn, their limits in the world of kink have a deeper and more fulfilled existence.
The question of “Why am I?” can start in so many places, while it’s true this can be a place of trauma or even fear… kink gives us all the opportunity to develop ways to cope, overcome and conquer that trauma or fear.
You don’t have to be a dominant to take control of the past fears and conquer the darkness that dwells within. In that darkness lies a beautiful understanding of desire and a road to fulfilment.
Fundamentally everything in the kink world stems from the basis of consent… be it giving consent to someone we trust to take control, or giving consent to ourselves to allow enjoyment and pleasure to be drawn from a certain activity. This consent lets us let go, embrace, and enjoy each experience as it comes and comes, and comes.
It should also be mentioned that not everyone falls into the Dom, Sub or Switch baskets – Tops and Bottoms are those who enjoy the aspect of dominant or submissive play without the mental commitment or power exchange.
And, while those particular aspects may not interest you… there’s nothing stopping you enjoying giving – or receiving – a good spanking.